Anxiety and Health

Hey guys! It is so so so late! Just for the hell of it, I decided to work the night shift tonight. I get overtime, and get to prove to my boss that I'm reliable. When I write that, it sounds silly. Oh well, I'm a night owl anyway. The hardest part is going to be getting home. Bought myself both a water and a mountain dew (This is the millionth time I've forgotten my water bottle and I'm so tired of it).

So, that gives me time and brain space to get you guys all up to date on my health stuff. I don't remember what I've told you, but I do know I've mentioned I've been having tremors. They get worse with cold, caffeine, or even just walking around too much (today I spent the day cleaning the spare room while sitting or kneeling. I went to a doctors appointment the 25th of October, because my last appointment had been weeks before. She wanted to know if anything had gotten better. I told her it may have a little, but I'd also been being very careful.

So, as promised, she decided to take my testing to the next level. She said she wanted to know two things: Is my heart okay? and Do I possibly have diabetes due to my size and weight? First of all, I knew both were coming. I expected it, and honestly was hoping I'd get answers. Nope, no answer. My heart was fine, no diabetes, and they were gonna take more blood (whoopee). Then, as my doctor talked to me she looked at my eyes, and told me one of my pupils were far more dilated than the other. I wasn't wearing my glasses, as I had left them at work, as my husband was going to drive me. She asked me to close the left eye and see if I saw okay, and then do the same with my right. My left eye was clearly more blurry. Every other time I had been there I wore my glasses, so part of me wondered if maybe the glasses correct that or something.

Glasses fixing it or not, she told me she needed an MRI, and then she tried to explain to me that there could be a cyst leaning on my optic nerve. She asked if I'd had headaches, and I said no more than usual, but I didn't really keep track of my headaches at that point. She referred me to a neurologist, who called me the next Monday (right after my husbands big birthday)and we set up an appointment for last Monday (I guess it is the 12th now, so I mean the 4th). I was terrified, but I tried to put it out of my mind. I was trying to surprise Isaac that weekend, so I put it in the back of my mind and tried to have fun.

Monday morning I took Misty, Thuyc and Rose to the vet. I spent way more money than I should have on checkups, but I was so worried about my own woes that I pretty much just pretended I was fine, and that's what my plans were. Then, a few hours after I got home with the "kids" we went to the hospital for me to have my brain analyzed. Waiting in the waiting room seemed to take forever. We were early, which didn't help, and by the time they got me in my anxiety was crazy. Thankfully, I ended up feeling very well-prepared thanks to the technician, because she asked if I was wearing a watch or a bra or anything with metal and I wasn't wearing any of it, so I didn't have to change at all.

Head MRI's are actually scary. As least for me. I'm a tiny bit claustrophobic, but the problem was keeping my tremors from effecting my head. In order to calm them, I decorated my dream house in my head. First, I started with a child's room. I know I want to be a mom, but I don't know that I'll ever be able to have genetic kids, so I just decided to take it away. Pretty much, by the time I was done with it all I had not only planned the design of our house, but also planned my whole next week's plans. In the middle of the MRI they had to give me contrast. I'm gonna tell you right now, having to sit still while a needle is stabbing into me is extremely hard. I couldn't move my head at all, because otherwise it would have messed up the pictures. The contrast actually made my arm burn, and admittedly That freaked me out after reading the pamphlet of what is in contrast and what could go wrong (something both Isaac and I read beforehand during our long wait). When she finally let me out of my head cage, she told me that my doctor should have my results in a couple days. I thought for sure that that meant there couldn't be anything wrong, because this kind woman looked nothing but calm and confident. I never did get her name.

That night, Isaac and I celebrated that being over with Adventure Time and White Claw. I knew I'd have to wait a few days but that didn't bother me at that point. The next day was a whole other situation. I woke up at the alarm, and Isaac moved faster than me and even got the cats (normally my job) fed before I was even up. When I got up, I only sat up because something seemed off. Isaac went out to start the car (we had a tire rotation that day, so he was taking me to work) and Rose decided to try to eat the dogs food. I've been trying to keep her only eating her own food, so I bent over, grabbed her and headed to put her in the bathroom for a few minutes so the dogs could eat. I got about halfway there and my the time I hit the baby gate we have that splits the house, I got a head rush so powerful I was temporarily blind. I kept walking though, because I didn't want Rose to escape my hands. My eyes clear, I pop her into the bathroom, grab the step ladder to set in front of it (the door doesn't close when I have too much hanging on it) and hurried back to the bedroom and sat on the bed, one leg perched on top of the stool for support. I was dizzy and nauseous, and my heart was beating hard. Isaac texted me, asking me to grab his glasses, and I texted back saying I couldn't, and I'd need help to the car. So, he walked back into the house and said it was probably blood pressure, and gave me my full water bottle to drink. I drank and drank but it wasn't helping, so he made me a salt capsule and I took that, then drank more water. I decided I was feeling better at that I was probably being over dramatic about a normal head rush, so we headed to work. The entire ride I just felt nauseous, and I decided it probably was because I didn't eat much, so I dropped a road trip granola bar in my bag and took my time walking into work.

At work, I always start by checking my messages, checking my tickets, just generally getting things out of the way that I don't normally have the time during the day to check in on. I only do this if we are slow, but normally when I come in at 11 that is the case. Unfortunately, I couldn't focus. The screen kept going in and out of focus, and my head started to hurt. When my work wife asked if I was okay, stating I was as white as a ghost, that's when I knew there was no reason I was working that day. I messaged my boss, she told me I could go, and I texted my husband to come save his damsel in distress. I had literally only been there a half an hour. When my boss came behind me and asked if I had clocked out I realized I literally had been talking to my ww and still had her messaging screen open. I quickly clocked out, then tried to distract myself with listening to my ww's stories. In fact, when Isaac texted me saying he was not not here, I didn't even get it, my brain was not processing. He asked if I could get him water, but I was too weak to make it there, and in order to be in the building he had to have me with him.

We drove home, and I spent all of last Tuesday laying on the bed watching TV, sleeping, or in general trying to distract myself. I got to thinking about it and realized a lot of what I was having was side effects from the contrast. When I finally went to bed that night, I was actually excited to go to work the next day, because I literally hadn't been able to do anything the entire day, and I was board.

Wednesday morning, my doctor's office called. The nurse said that they had received the results of my MRI, and I was being referred to a neurologist because the scan was abnormal. That's it. That's all she could tell me. I wanted to beg her to give me more information, but I was so stunned that the only thing I did was mention the bad side effects of the contrast, and she said to call her if I had more problems that day.

Well, I still haven't heard from my new neurologist. Some people have told me it might be precautionary, or that it must not be too big of a deal otherwise they would have already called. I would love to be able to draw peace from those who tell me it'll be okay, but it just isn't working. My mind is an endless path of what ifs. What if it's cancer? What if I have to have brain sugery? What if it's nothing and we start back and square A? today, and I get up from my 5-6 hour nap, I'm going to call the doctor and demand answers. I'm only 23 years old. I don't want to continue to live in fear, I just want answers. My headaches that I previously brushed off as because of my lack of or wearing of my glasses have started to become more pronounced on my left side, and the tremors have not gotten better. In fact, when I type I try to focus the tremors by shaking my leg so I can at least work. It's frustrating because I want to be the strong one for my husband. He's the one with a broken back, not me. Unfortunately, I'm the one falling apart right now, and I hate it.


Any advice anyone? My therapist is trying to teach me to remind myself of how strong I am and other stuff to try to take the edge off my my anxiety. I read every comment, whether I blog or not. I guess I just thought you guys should know why I haven't been blogging much. With my job, I'm pretty much sitting up straight and typing, so when it comes to doing that when I actually want to, the fun stuff goes on the back burner. I have much more to write, about other life things, but for now I shall bid you all farewell, as I have work to do.

~Susan~