Write, Write, Write a Book, Lose your Sanity...

Hi Guys!
It's coming close.. It's 3 days until NaNoWriMo month! I don't know if I really have my perfect idea, but I am trying to work with my day to day life. The starting title for this year is going to be "Our Souls Are Worn, But We Are Not Broken". Obviously, there is likely no way I'll stick with it, but for now, this is what I've got.

I'm planning on this story being a nonfiction story, but all parties' stories will not have their correct names in it, and there will be a few pieces of fiction in it. I am going to recount some of the fun stories I have been told by my patients, AKA the people I talk to as a pharmacy  tech. Of course, that's why there will be no personal information in it for those people, but I want to give the world a perspective on the fact that those who take lots of medication, especially those who elderly, are not broken. I have heard so many sad stories of the elderly being alone, or of them being treated as if they aren't even there, in spite of the fact that they are completely mentally cognizant. I've also heard hilarious stories that involve these people confusing the younger generation, especially the doctors and nurses who work with them.

I want to give a voice to those who are often treated like they are already gone before they are actually gone. I know many people who make jokes about "old people", and I'll admit that I'm as guilty as anyone else, but just because they're are elders doesn't mean we should treat them any differently that anyone else.

Any thoughts on my book idea? I feel so lucky to be able to tell you guys, and now I'm going to rush to set up my new NaNoWriMo account for this year.

Later guys!

The Internet

Evening everyone! I am currently working, but I have some down time so I figured I would talk to my favorite place: The internet. Actually, that's a good topic for tonight. The internet.

When I was younger, internet was not nearly as big as it was today. I don't even think I went on the computer for anything except Microsoft Word, because all I ever wanted to do was write and then print out my little stories. At my grandparents house we used internet to play a Barbie game, but they still had dial-up, so I didn't even recognize it as internet.

I found out recently that I am older than Google. To me, that's shocking. Every since I've known internet, I've known Google. I mean, Bing was a thing for a little while, but let's be honest, no one really uses Bing unless you're fact checking Google. My first brush with the internet outside of school  was when my mom got her very first iPod, and she would upload songs to her iPod from the internet, and that was a big deal for us. Honestly, from there internet just seemed to take over my life. Any information you needed could be found with a tap of a button. Phones with internet became a thing, people no longer used ChaCha to get all their information on their phones, and even my school got iPads.

Is this all good? I have social anxiety, and I feel like sometimes it has been exasperated by being able to rely on the internet so much. On the other hand, it's a really good tool. If it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't have been able to find a doctor that took my insurance, because my insurance takes forever to answer the phone. The internet helped me in school, and it is pretty much the center of my job.

So here's my thoughts. Is the internet a good thing, or a bad thing? Is making everything "smart" benefiting everyone, or is it contributing to anxiety, depression, anti-social-ness...? I feel like I'm stuck on this. Sometimes I hear of people talking about how they restrict internet/screen times for their kids, and I wonder if adults need that too. If we aren't able to be without our phones for more than just while we're at work, how is it effecting our continued social skills?

I wish I was more social, but at the same time I love curling up with a movie on Hulu and just relaxing. Sometimes I wonder if some people are actually introverted, or if they are just more susceptible to technology. My husband always teases me because I tend to fall asleep best when I can surf Facebook as I drift to sleep. I'm wondering what other generations think about this. 18 year olds definitely grew up in a different world than I did, whereas the baby boomers grew up completely different world than the 18 year olds or I. I'd love to hear opinions or thoughts on the internet, because I honestly think it's great but yet scary to think of a world of everything being electronic.

Night everyone!

~Susan~

Not Everything Works Perfectly

Good evening everybody. I greet you from the great wonders of our bathroom, as we went on our bi-weekly date tonight and the Italian food apparently didn't agree with me.

In a little over a week, I will have been married for 3 months. I can see all of the people who have been married 10, 15, even 50 years rolling their eyes. 'It's three months, who cares?' Me. I care. It still hasn't hit me that I'm married. I mean I wear my ring, and we did the wedding thing and went on the honeymoon, but it still feels like I'm playing pretend.

If that still sounds dumb, well, it probably is. I know this is just my wandering thoughts, but how many of you guys make plans and in your mind you have it all rehearsed and you know exactly how it would go in a perfect world. Well... I do that a lot, but no matter how much or how little work I put into it, it always seems to go the opposite way. For my birthday a few years ago I asked my ex for only one thing: The Sims 4 PC game. I didn't ask for anything else. No cake, no party, just a simple game. What did we do instead? He took me to a movie. A movie I didn't want to see. I wanted the movie, but afterwards I mentioned the game, because my heart was set on it and I had put a lot of work into his birthday present for the next month. He told me I was ungrateful, and that he spent the money for my birthday on the movie and all of the snacks he decided we should get. 

Maybe that's a bad example. 

Well, how about this? Today I went to go take pictures of my beautiful friend (video to come) and her horses. She told me we could go riding after, and so I have been waiting and waiting until we finally got our schedules together and neither of us were sick or hurt so we could take some great pictures and go riding. I rode for a little while as a kid, and have always wanted a horse. For a few years, around the time I was eight or nine, I was obsessed with horses. I know I can't have a horse, but I have missed riding. So, when the owner of the barn her horse stays at told me I couldn't, it crushed me. So stupid to feel that way given that it was not my friend's fault, but it truly hurt me to leave today without having ridden. 

One more example, and then I'll stop. My wedding day. I can't tell you how many hours I worked on my wedding. I wanted it to be low-budget, simple but beautiful. Using the outside as a backdrop really helped. Well... my phone overheated so our music didn't want to work, my Maid of Honor got sick, my mom was being overwhelmingly judgmental and to top it all off we forgot the cups for the reception so my father-in-law decided that the perfect cups to pick up (instead of taking the 7-10 minute drive back to our house for the clear, disposable cups) were red solo cups. 

Me? I was panicked. I wanted to scream. Instead, I smiled and acted like nothing was wrong. I practically let my mom step on me, I smiled while I literally had a panic attack, and I didn't even scream when half of the reception left at 6 o'clock for a recreation center I had put extra money down so the party could last until ten. When my new husband and I finally got to the hotel we were staying at for the night, we were both exhausted. We barely got to enjoy the giant tub in the room, and we were asleep by the time the party should have just been ending. 

My thought on all of these events is that maybe I just set too high of expectations for myself, and for the people I surround myself with. I wish I knew how to set my expectations low, but my anxiety tells me it must be just right, and then my depression kills me when it isn't. Am I the only one who does this to themselves? I wish I didn't do this to myself, I wish I could just lay back and relax. I've never understood how others could do it. I guess it's just how I'm wired, but I hope I can change that. 

So guys, I have to finish this blog with a challenge: Hope and expect the best, but always have plans for the worse, so that those of you who have anxiety like me can still feel happy when all is said and done. 

Signing off, 

~Susan~

The Deafening Silence

Hey guys, it's me. I know if you're reading this, you're probably wondering why I went from posting several blog posts, one per day, to being silent for 11 days.

Here's my honest logic, and It kinda hurts to admit it: I am not as strong as I project that I am. I'm strong, and I do know that, but writing the first part about the story of Misty was honestly rather painful, and for the last days of silence I've really struggled with my depression. It doesn't help that I got into an argument with someone I truly respect, or that I truly am dreading an upcoming vacation that I'm also excited about.

Either way, no excuses. My silence is over, and I will continue writing to you all so none of you feel alone in your depression or anxiety, or so that some of you can just stare at my cute animal pictures because I'll admit, they're awful cute.

On my mind today? NaNoWriMo. If you haven't ever heard of this program, while it does many many things, the founding part of the non-profit is for National Novel Writing Month, which is seriously 30 days of writing non-stop to hit the goal of a 50,000 word novel. I have honestly... sucked the last few years. In fact, I haven't completed it fully since my first year, which was 2012. This year, though, I think I've got it. I'm going to write something that is mostly non-fiction, and I'm excited to see what you all think about the idea, which I will definitely tell you all about in my next post.

For now, I have to go back to the work that pays the bills, and cross my fingers I have paid all of the recent bills (that's a good question, have I?). I'll see you guys tomorrow!

~Susan~

Misty Part 1

Warning: If you have suicidal ideations, or bad depression, please read with care.

Tonight, as I bathed my sweet puppy all alone, I had to reflect on my past as I washed her ears and talked to her soothingly. In fact, that was all I talked about when I sat there rubbing shampoo through her ears.

You see, Misty and I had a rough start. As it was, I was in a terrible relationship. At the time, I didn't know that, but that's besides the point. I had been looking for a puppy for a couple months, hoping to get approval from my therapist to have an emotional support animal. I saved and saved, because the man I was with had bad allergies to dogs, and I wanted to get a hypoallergenic pup. Then, I got kicked out of the house I was living. I didn’t have a choice. They gave me two hours to get all that I needed into my minivan and get out. They trapped my ex in his classroom at college, preventing him from beating the crap out of them for forcing me out, because he didn’t know it was happening.

I had nowhere to go, and no one cared. That night, I met with him and he explained that our friends had said they are okay with me staying with them. He brought some more of my stuff with him, and I drove to the friends’ house in tears. It had been at least a year since I had spent more than a couple nights sleeping alone, and I was scared. All plans for a puppy went to the side, and the money I had been saving went to trying to make this temporary location a home.

I don’t know how long it took, but it was over a month later that I cracked. Stress, fear, and an unhealthy amount of attachment to my abusive ex and I was sitting bawling in the bathroom, a knife to my wrists. Within a flash, they sent me off with the police to the ER, and when my ex came to see me, he told me our “friends” would not allow me back into their house. They said it hurt THEM too much to have me around. I cried, and screamed, and then they admitted me for the night in a mental hospital. It wasn’t my first time in one, but I still hated it.

The next day, I was given a voucher to go to the police station via cab to get proof that I didn’t have a warrant out for my arrest, then to the homeless shelter. My anxiety was through the roof. They told me I wasn’t allowed to have my own pillow, and that my medications would go with them, and I had to ask for them if I wanted them. It was an enormous responsibility, especially as I started working longer hours for work because it was the Christmas season, and they needed me. I was also expected to come back and mop the entire building or sweep it. Sounds like not too bad of a deal, right? The problem was, I would get back from work after lights out, and still must mop in the dark, or try to clean the bathroom before someone else used it.

My ex finally had a house. I was two weeks into my stay, and he said it would be ready to move into in two weeks, and that’s when everything started coming together for my little ESA. My therapist finally agreed that an ESA could help me. She had no idea how much it would really help, but that’s another story. I had saved more so that I had the cost of a dog or puppy. I started scrimping and saving so that I could also get her a collar, leash, and feeding bowls.

When I first heard about Misty, I had put a reach out on Facebook and one lady mentioned that she had one more puppy left of the litter. We got to talking that day, and when she showed me a picture, I was hooked.

Just a few short days later, I picked Misty up from her Original Human Mom (OHM) at the vet’s office after she got her last set of puppy shots. I had a collar and a leash, and OHM gave me a kennel for her. I drove back to the homeless shelter and immediately went to the office with my other proof of ESA – her shot records. Once they looked it over, they said I was good to go, and Misty became the most interesting thing in the shelter. She was five months old, and that night I sat in the bathtub with her in between my knees and cleaned her, allowing her to smell like me. This was only the beginning for us, and it felt great.

...and Happiness.

HAPPINESS

This word means so many things to so many people. Everyone has their own definition of happiness. For some, it's drugs that make their lives happier. Others, it's traveling the world. For me... Well, that answer is complicated. 

As with most people who have depression, happiness can sometimes be something that needs to be pinned down or held tightly. For me, it's no different. Yes, I'm on meds. Yes, I see my therapist at least once a month. That doesn't fix things though, it just starts to heal them.

Everyone I know has an ideal future: plans, dreams, whatever it may contain, it's their ideal. My ideal is really simple, but something that seemingly will never be in my grasp. I want a stable house in a safe location, one or two kids, and to have the ability to take care of things financially without struggling. So, what is the whole point of this post?

Support means everything

Everyone is fighting for an ideal everyday, and even the most simple "You've got this" or "Good job" can go a long way. I have some friends who also have depression, and my rule is always to reach out to them with a simple message asking how life is, or what's up. I know that for me, that makes all the different in their happiness. Knowing that you have someone to talk to can sometimes even make the difference between life and death. I have one friend, we'll call her Y, who has supported me and always been there to talk to since before the last almost 5 years happened. Be that person for someone. 

Alright, now that I got that out of the way, let me tell you what makes me happy on a day to day basis.

This picture. Honestly, I don't know what it is about this little girl, but she makes me feel very special when she decides to climb up into my lap and take a nap, or when she insists she needs to be scratched and pet.

This man. See those beautiful eyes? (Actually, don't see them. They're mine. :) ) He is so supportive and kind to me that sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like my health, both mental and physical, sometimes makes me a mean, grumpy person, but he is steady and kind no matter what.

This goofy girl. Honestly, the fact that she insists on a hug whenever I get home makes me smile. She is so silly and incredibly needy, but wrapping her in a blanket makes her happy, and snuggling with her makes me happy.

These two. My family life is a little complicated, but my grandparents have always been kind to me. I can call my grandma to check in and she and I will talk for almost an hour every time. I'm really lucky to have these two. This year was their 65th anniversary! When I figured that out, I knew they had been married for over twice of my lifetime. I always say that my grandparents are definitely the ideal. I know they've had their struggles, as every couple does, but they kick butt and take names and love each other.


So, now that I have shown you some things that make me happy, it's your turn! What is one thing that helps make you happy? Also, what is your ideal? I am so excited to learn more about the people who I'm writing to!

Love you guys!


Susan

Wealth...

Touchy Subject Alert

Money. Okay, so now that you know what this post is about, if you don't want to keep reading that is perfectly fine. I am writing about this because honestly it is a something that seeps into my life every day. Rent, Gas, Food... The downfall of adulthood is that everything costs money. No more asking anyone else for money, and unfortunately no birthday money. 

We are trying to figure out how to buy a house once our rental contract is up. Our landlords have been horrible, and if we can manage to get enough money together to get the place bought we will actually be spending less monthly. Our rent is cheaper than some places around here, but our landlords also don't follow through with the contract we have in place. Our part of the house is narrow and prone to bugs and water in the basement. It's exhausting fighting against them, and I'm just done with it. 

So, that brings me to what we're doing. We're applying for a program that would help us make the down payment, and seeing if we can find a nice place that we can get a mortgage for so we can survive. I had never heard of a down payment assistance program, but a few of my coworkers pointed me in the right direction. Now I just have to wait and see what needs to be done. 

While we're saving, we are really trying to scrimp. That is so so hard for me. I am a bit of a frugal shopaholic. Plus, I occasionally spoil myself to feel better about life. (see the last post just for an idea of what I mean) I am horrible with money, and have to trick myself into thinking we are more broke than we are so we can save. I know we don't have a lot, but we want to be out of our unsafe neighborhood and in a place that has plenty room for the dogs to run and the cats to hide, and even a place to someday bring a child into our family (blog to come on that). 

So, what are some tips you guys might have? I know I have friends who might have tips on buying a home, as they have, so I'd love to hear your opinions. Also, anyone have any ideas on how to improve your credit score or improve the speed of paying off debt? I already know we wouldn't be able to handle the David Ramsey method, so don't even bother on that. This area of town makes me way too nervous to have cash on me at all times. 

If you would like to see a blog on my thoughts on anything specific, let me know! 

Love you guys! 

Susan

Health...

Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing

Well, now that I've established that... My current, and most extreme worry on my mind recently has been my health. Over the last couple weeks I have been... well... falling apart. I have been shaky and dizzy... Naturally, it took me a week to talk myself into going to the doctor because I knew they would want to draw blood and I have the tiniest veins ever. Plus, I always hate to go to the doctor to just have them roll their eyes at me and tell me I should be fine. 

Unfortunately, that's basically what happened. I took an Uber because Isaac was running DoorDash, and that meant I couldn't afford to go to the other side of the river that day. I also could hardly walk, because on top of all of those fun symptoms, my back had gotten thrown out that day. Isaac had to cajole me into going, as all I wanted to do was curl up with my babies and nap. He is very convincing though, so I went to a convenient care and what did they say? "We can't do anything about your back, but we think you're dehydrated." 

Great. Everything I wanted that day. I wrapped up in the blankets while they put the fluids in through the needle, and when I was full of fluids my blood pressure changed so they said I was good to go and told me to follow up with my doctor. 

That brings me to Tuesday of this week. I finally took the time to make an appointment on Monday, as I was running through my calling to do list as I do every Monday. They got me in before work on Tuesday and yet again decided they were going to run tests. This time, instead of filling me with fluids they just drew blood. It always takes forever for them to find a vein on me but imma tell you, this nurse knew what she was doing. She only poked me twice, moved my vein and not the needle, and she had my blood drawn fast. I had plenty of time to get to work, and even a little time to settle my soul before I walked into work to see the people I see every day. 

This morning I got the call I was dreading. They already told me that if my symptoms persist that they will be doing an EKG on me in a little over two weeks, when my next appointment is. I wasn't certain what to expect when they called. 

The short end of it is that my vitamin D levels are lower than previous, even though I've been taking what they recommended. So, they sent another prescription to the pharmacy that I will be taking weekly along with the rest of it. They are also going to test me for diabetes, because there's something about my sugars... I don't understand it as well as Isaac does. I guess I'm just too scared to comprehend it the way he does. I've gone so long with my only health difficulties being my mental health and my occasional back problems that the fact that this is happening seems stunning. I'll keep you all updated on what happens, but I'm probably going to continue to be anxious about it until I get the appointment over with. Too bad my doctor couldn't get me in sooner. 

Anyone else have health difficulties? Between Isaac and myself I feel like I've gotten used to being in doctors offices recently. I even know exactly what to pack to make it go by faster, depending on the situation. What are some of your go to tips and tricks for doctors visits? I have never figured out what I could bring to help curb my anxieties of needles. The only thing that ever works is Isaac, which makes me feel like I'm using him. Any ideas? 

Love you guys! 

Susan

Welcome to The Blog!

Hey everybody. My name is Susan, which is pretty much all the explanation you need for the title of my blog. I'm 23 years old, married, and I live with my husband of 2 months and a small group of 6 animals who keep me on my toes. I decided I wanted to start blogging again (yes, I have at least 2 failed blogs) because there are a lot of things you can't put in a Facebook post that I'd like to say.

First, though, let me introduce you to the family.

First up is this handsome fella. This is Isaac, my husband. He will be 21 at the end of this month. In December of 2018 he got into a bad car accident that no one knew if he would recover from. His back is broken (He would tell you exactly where, but all I know is that it's over half his spine starting at his neck) but he's honestly the most miraculous human being I have ever met. He has the goofiest sense of humor, and tells a good story. He and I make YouTube videos together, and in general we're always better when we're together. He's much more outgoing than me, because of my anxiety. I'm a lot more straight-laced than him, because of how I was raised. We compliment each other as perfectly as I could have ever hoped.

In August we got married. Some felt it was too soon, and that we are too young. All I feel is that I was to spend every moment I can with this man, because life is too short.

First up for our babies is Spaz. Spaz is sometimes nicknamed "Spazzoid" or "Sweet Girl" by me. It all depends on the day. We also call her fatty, but we say that to all of the kitties because I think if they had kids they would kill their firstborn if it meant getting food. Spaz is the oldest, from what we've figured out, of all of our pets. Estimated age? Nineish. We honestly aren't certain. Isaac's memory is bad (She was his kitty) and we haven't been able to nail it down. She has her own version of close to death situation. When she first moved in with me, along with her sister, in March, she was extremely bloated. Isaac's dad had been taking care of her since his crash, and he neglected to take her to the Vet. Poor baby was so bloated that we took her to the doctor right away. It turned out she had an infected uterus. We got her into another, cheaper vet who was able to carefully remove her uterus and the vet was surprised she even survived (Shout out to Faithful Friends Animal Hospital in Davenport, Iowa!). She lost a bunch of weight, but now she is our happy, chubby kitty who likes me a little more than Isaac. I think she likes me more because not love after she met me she was feeling better. She loves to sleep on my chest at night, but She is extremely antisocial with the other pets.

Speaking of the other pets, the next oldest is this pretty lady, Lena Mae. She and I share middle names, but that's about the only similarities between the two of us. She is the biggest pet in our family and has seemingly endless energy, unless I am taking her on a walk, then she starts out strong and starts trying to make me slow down around the 3rd or 4th block. She has a slight obsession with cars, and If she is not on a leash she is likely to jump into any open car door. She is originally a farm dog, but she honestly doesn't know how big she is and frequently steps on my throat and digs her elbows into my ribs. She's also obsessed with food, and will try to finish off other animals or peoples food if she can. That includes chewing up a protein bottle (that was empty) and other things that even slightly smell like food whenever we aren't around. It's possible that her personality is bigger than her, but I can't say for sure.

Next up on the list, who is older by just a hair is this beauty, MoMo. Also known as little sh** or "please stop climbing on the curtains". I don't even know what to start with on this girl. She is sweet, but only when she wants to be. Sometimes she is being really mean, and sometimes she is trying to play and will hurt you on accident. She is seriously the most random cat I've ever met. She loves the outdoors on warm days, but will not go outside if there is rain. She enjoys baths, which was a surprise, and she doesn't really get along with any of the other pets, other than Lena. Lena I think tolerates her when she's in a lovey mood, but if she gets to be too much Lena definitely shows her displeasure in a very subtle way. Her favorite, and basically only, way to be pet is on her head. Can you tell she doesn't like me? You can tell that she was Isaac's cat because she doesn't like me much.

The next goofball on the list is my puppy, Misty. She is only two months younger than MoMo, but she is much better tempered. Her full, official name is Misty Morie. She is a certified therapy dog, and the sweetest, yet most ornery, puppy you will ever meet. Her favorite pastimes include cuddling, beating up the cats, pooping on my rug, and sending her daddy running after her because she sees a squirrel or just wants to be alone. She is 2 years old as of June 3rd, and I can honestly say everyone though she would be past the puppy stage by now, but she is still nervous about long grass and being watched as she poops. It is exhausting, but that's okay. She is part chihuahua, part maltese and in her haircuts you can definitely see both her mom and her dad in her.

Next on the list, who is definitely still a kitten, is Thuyc. Yes, I know you can't pronounce that in your head, so let me tell you his full name Thuycicides Zeus. Still can't pronounce it? His nickname rhymes with Zeus. Phonetically his full name looks like this: (Th-oo-sit-eez). This kitty was the product of an accidental litter of kitties from a friend of mine. I knew about him since before he was born. I brought him home the day he turns 8 weeks old, and he was the smallest kitten I had ever had the privilege of holding. The first night he was home, he slept in his kitten bed on my desk. He and I are pretty much inseparable. He knows I'm the one with the food, and he often snuggles on me and grooms me. Nowadays he's always up to something. His favorite pastime is knocking things off of flat surfaces as fast as he can. Or trying to steal the dogs' food because he knows he eats diet food (He used to do it with regular food though, so I don't know what the real reason is). His nicknames also include Thuycy, and "get down!".

Last but not least is our last member, and the only "kid" who isn't fluffy. We've only had him for a little while. This is Slick Hector. He also goes by Slick, or Hec. He is very young, and he is a garter snake who got on our desk and probably would not have survived the drop. Plus, he took a strong liking to my husband, so how could I resist. He's our easiest pet to take care of, so I honestly think that's the best part of the little guy.

So, now you've met all of them, I guess I should introduce myself.

My life can get pretty crazy, and pretty complicated. This is honestly one of the better pictures of me, because I look so different now than I do in this picture. That was only a few months ago. Right now, my hair is much shorter and it's purple.

Alright. Let me wrap things up so that I don't bore you all to death. I'm going to be using this blog to explain life from my side of things. If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. I just feel like this is a much healthier outlet for me than anything else I could be doing.

All the love to you guys.
Susan