In a little over a week, I will have been married for 3 months. I can see all of the people who have been married 10, 15, even 50 years rolling their eyes. 'It's three months, who cares?' Me. I care. It still hasn't hit me that I'm married. I mean I wear my ring, and we did the wedding thing and went on the honeymoon, but it still feels like I'm playing pretend.
If that still sounds dumb, well, it probably is. I know this is just my wandering thoughts, but how many of you guys make plans and in your mind you have it all rehearsed and you know exactly how it would go in a perfect world. Well... I do that a lot, but no matter how much or how little work I put into it, it always seems to go the opposite way. For my birthday a few years ago I asked my ex for only one thing: The Sims 4 PC game. I didn't ask for anything else. No cake, no party, just a simple game. What did we do instead? He took me to a movie. A movie I didn't want to see. I wanted the movie, but afterwards I mentioned the game, because my heart was set on it and I had put a lot of work into his birthday present for the next month. He told me I was ungrateful, and that he spent the money for my birthday on the movie and all of the snacks he decided we should get.
Maybe that's a bad example.
Well, how about this? Today I went to go take pictures of my beautiful friend (video to come) and her horses. She told me we could go riding after, and so I have been waiting and waiting until we finally got our schedules together and neither of us were sick or hurt so we could take some great pictures and go riding. I rode for a little while as a kid, and have always wanted a horse. For a few years, around the time I was eight or nine, I was obsessed with horses. I know I can't have a horse, but I have missed riding. So, when the owner of the barn her horse stays at told me I couldn't, it crushed me. So stupid to feel that way given that it was not my friend's fault, but it truly hurt me to leave today without having ridden.
One more example, and then I'll stop. My wedding day. I can't tell you how many hours I worked on my wedding. I wanted it to be low-budget, simple but beautiful. Using the outside as a backdrop really helped. Well... my phone overheated so our music didn't want to work, my Maid of Honor got sick, my mom was being overwhelmingly judgmental and to top it all off we forgot the cups for the reception so my father-in-law decided that the perfect cups to pick up (instead of taking the 7-10 minute drive back to our house for the clear, disposable cups) were red solo cups.
Me? I was panicked. I wanted to scream. Instead, I smiled and acted like nothing was wrong. I practically let my mom step on me, I smiled while I literally had a panic attack, and I didn't even scream when half of the reception left at 6 o'clock for a recreation center I had put extra money down so the party could last until ten. When my new husband and I finally got to the hotel we were staying at for the night, we were both exhausted. We barely got to enjoy the giant tub in the room, and we were asleep by the time the party should have just been ending.
My thought on all of these events is that maybe I just set too high of expectations for myself, and for the people I surround myself with. I wish I knew how to set my expectations low, but my anxiety tells me it must be just right, and then my depression kills me when it isn't. Am I the only one who does this to themselves? I wish I didn't do this to myself, I wish I could just lay back and relax. I've never understood how others could do it. I guess it's just how I'm wired, but I hope I can change that.
So guys, I have to finish this blog with a challenge: Hope and expect the best, but always have plans for the worse, so that those of you who have anxiety like me can still feel happy when all is said and done.
Signing off,
~Susan~
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